IT, PART TWO! We All Float Down Here, Georgie!
Between the Mothman and Pennywise, @Darth_Jader_ and @northfoggy are amazed that anyone still showers. Nonetheless, join us as Young Adam (amongst our flourishing Adam collection) returns for his second appearance on the exciting conclusion of Stephen King’s IT!
How do you bust a ghost? Proton
packs. How do you murder a demon clown from space? Silver pellets and
inhaler mist, DUH. But we would’ve paid good money to watch Harry Anderson try to defeat
Pennywise with some close-up magic; not even Batman could improve a movie to
that degree.
We discover upon revisiting IT that this movie has aged so poorly,
yet Pennywise
still has his moments. Speaking of which, are you too afraid to Google the
library scene from IT? We can help with that! Just try
not to flinch when the bursting balloons splash you with blood.
That being said, ladies, it’s only acceptable to be slutty
with boys who have ALSO been haunted and terrorized by a clown. The marital
status of said boys is irrelevant so long as they’ve helped you clean copious
amount of gore out of your bathroom sink.
In that same vein, who was the better bloodletter? Was it Tim Curry or John Wayne Gacy?
We think the balloon budget alone should give Pennywise an edge in this race.
Not convinced? That’s okay. Consider some lessons from IT
while you ponder this epic debate:
When your husband suddenly leaves town to
“murder a clown”, that’s really just code for visiting his mistress. Be sure to keep the T.A.R.D.I.S meter running when
you’re revisiting traumatic memories from your childhood. IT is the original prequel to Breaking Bad
(though we doubt Saul would be very helpful in this situation).If you can’t get access to boobs WITHOUT
climbing into a sewer, seek help immediately.The Deadlights are no worse than Dementors;
have some chocolate and move on.
Ultimately, IT teaches us that bikes are just like clowns;
they only have as much power as you grant them in your mind. That is
indisputable Stephen King
logic.
Our biggest issue with IT is that the Lucky 7 gathers to
dispose of their worst nightmare and save the town of Derry from a scourge of child
murders, but
first … Chinese food. To that end, we need the fortune cookie scene to be
done again with the Banana
Boat song and some Calypso dancing. Hollywood? Make it so.
Seriously, though. Pennywise could have been defeated so
much more quickly if the Loser’s Club included Kevin
McAllister (assuming he had the proper amount of prep time).
You can’t blame the complete void of action on the Lucky 7,
however. It is Pennywise who tries to outsource his murders to an unstable
psychiatric patient and a Rottweiler (we may have stopped paying attention to
the movie at some point).
Our official conclusion is that IT doesn’t have protagonists
or antagonists…just losers. #Losersclub
But never fear, because there’s always time for a wholesome bike montage.