“It’s a bird, a stork!”: No! It’s The Mummy Returns, where Egyptian history is made up, and the reincarnation points don’t matter.
#Hindsighters, your beloved Darth Jader is not embarrassed to admit that, as a child, she thought scarab beetles would be a much larger problem in her adult life than even quicksand, all due to what cartoons and mummy movies may have taught her.
Despite their combined efforts, Darth, Adam, and Katie cannot discern whether dying by scarabs, quicksand, or piranhas is worse. Ultimately, there is no need to fret, loyal listeners, because we know that our Desert Daddy will always come to the rescue, no matter our continent of adventure or residence.
Enough about Oded Fehr (no such thing). Let’s talk about Brendan Fraser, and Rachel Weisz, and John Hannah, and Patricia Velasquez. Don’t feel neglected, Arnold Vosloo, because no one could forget your remarkably smooth portrayal of Imhotep; we would build sandcastle faces and crash dirigibles with you any time.
Meanwhile, no one is concerned about the Cousin Oliver of The Mummy franchise, despite the fact that Alex is the necessary through-line for the plot of this picture (not to mention the somewhat adorably smart-arsed amalgam of Rick, Evie, and Jonathan).
The inevitable lessons that you must take from The Mummy Returns are as follows:
- Whether facing pygmies or velociraptors, don’t go in the long grass.
- Knowing Ancient Egyptian is handy whether you’re reincarnating your recently murdered mother or destroying the god-awful CGI version of Dwayne Johnson.
- DO NOT stick your fingers or hands into the eye sockets of the undead or ancient Egyptian glory holes. In either instance, you’ll end up covered in goo.
Oddly enough, The Mummy and The Mummy Returns drive home the most important lesson of life: Mortality blows.
Fellas, take note that even reincarnated lives can be short. It doesn’t matter what army you control or which bug king you kill. If Imhotep liked it, he should have put a ring on it (but only with the Scorpion King’s diamond on top because now Jonathan’s going to lose that bling in a card game).
Until next time, fellow Egyptologists. This has been #Hindsight, and good night.