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Hocus Pocus – Episode 0131

Hocus Pocus: “Hang Him on a Hook and Let Me Play With Him!”

Welcome to the Great British Baking Show: Witch Edition! If the Sanderson Sisters don’t become immortal on Halloween night, they will turn into dust! But don’t worry. According to Jason’s cook book, if you don’t have farm fresh witch dust, you can use non-dairy creamer, and no one will know the difference.  #BareFootHotMessa

Regardless of the ingredients in your recipe, don’t let the Kurgan lick the bowl; he’ll make it weird. Also, make absolutely sure that none of your lemons come from trolls, especially those who hate the sultry tones of Darth Jader.

Which do you feel is least likely to date rape you? We’ll wait…

Have you ever seen a cat inflate after being destroyed by a city bus? More to the point, are you even living if you haven’t?  Luckily, our biggest fangirl, Katie, has returned to the studio to help us answer such questions!

As children, we thought that Hocus Pocus was a movie about witches. We were so naïve. This particular movie is naught but a fable to ward children against talking black cats, mouth-stitched corpses, and ANYONE who happens to be a virgin.

Most importantly, Hocus Pocus helps us to reiterate this lesson: STOP READING ALOUD FROM CREEPY BOOKS.

Despite the Sanderson Sisters being the 3 Stooges of witches, Hocus Pocus teaches us that:

  1. Only bougie people drink apple cider and pumpkin spice ANYTHING.
  2. Vacuums SUCK as flying transport.
  3. Passing the Man Bar is far easier than passing than actual bar exam. Just ask Jason.

Ultimately, we want to watch Bette Midler take on Emperor Palpatine in a lightening fight. Disney? *clap clap* Make it so. If you make this happen, we’ll “forget” about this “children’s movie” that focused so heavily on dead cats and sweet yabbos. We “promise”…

Darth Jader
Darth Jader is a Pirate Queen. She is the co-hostess of the “Hindsight is Horrifying” podcast. She is also “funny, insightful, and sarcastic,” according to her boyfriend, who is currently under duress. You can take the Oxford Comma from her when you pry it from her cold, dead, and lifeless hands. She also speaks Spanish, unlike Ron Burgundy.