Battle Royale Part One

Battle Royale: Night Shift – Podcast 0126

Night Shift: Edible paper! You Eat it, it’s Gone…Eat it, it’s Outta There!

Welcome to our first (and hopefully regular) ménage à quad! *term trademarked by Adam Brown*

#Hindsighters (as Katie has aptly labeled you), it’s hoes before bros on Part 1 of this brand-new type of episode. Darth and Katie challenge Jason and Adam Brown in a cinematic battle of the sexes!

Darth Jader and Guest Host Katie

Imagine a world where Batman and alternate-universe, lackluster Fonzie open a brothel to become chivalrous hustlers in their local morgue; oh, and Batman has a mental disorder where he can only sing Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

This film is a classic case of cheering for an underdog. After all, what everyman doesn’t get ahead by becoming a pimp? Oh! Sorry about that. We meant to say “love broker”.  

According to Miss Manners, “whore” is a rude term to apply to people in the sex trade. However, a whore who cooks partially naked for your man is not to be trusted, especially if she was recently busted out of Night Court. Here’s a pro tip from us to you, #Hindsighters: If a man refuses to pay you for services rendered, bite him on the ass. You’ll land your own ass in Night Court, but it’s totally worth it.

The magic pimp hat and cane

Speaking of which, Belinda might be a whore with a heart of gold, but Julia Roberts is the Disney Princess of hookers. However, Night Shift and Pretty Woman do share the important similarity that is the classic 80s montage. During the Night Shift montage, the love brokering ladies acquire fancy clothes while Fonzie stuffs money into a coffee can. The lesson here? We all celebrate differently.

We learned some other lessons from this movie:

  1. It’s okay to acquire money illegally so long as you spend your ill-gotten gains in an honorable fashion. Chuck might have pimped out some 80s ladies, but he did it to buy his dad a truly pimpin’ headstone. #Tombstonemoment
  2. Hooking is high-risk and generally low-reward; invest your money wisely, establish a 401K, and BOUNCE straight out of that profession before a John breaks your arm.

We’ve all experienced that awkward moment when underwhelming Fonzie and hooker Diane are having relationship troubles while mentally stunted Batman is stuck in the middle … this is just the kind of problem that can be solved by Variant Brewing, so long as you pair your beer with the correct Brendan Fraser movie.

Jason with guest hosts Adam and Katie

Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of the Battle Royale, where we finally determine if the guys or the girls emerge victorious on a scale of Alf to Seinfeld. In the meantime, we’ll leave you with this final uplifting thought. Every time we mention autoerotic asphyxiation, an Australian takes a shot.

Darth Jader
Darth Jader is a Pirate Queen. She is the co-hostess of the “Hindsight is Horrifying” podcast. She is also “funny, insightful, and sarcastic,” according to her boyfriend, who is currently under duress. You can take the Oxford Comma from her when you pry it from her cold, dead, and lifeless hands. She also speaks Spanish, unlike Ron Burgundy.